Last Entry

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This one is intense. Reader discretion is advised.


Last Entry

Well, it looks like this is it. Nobody is coming, or at least not in time to save me. The end of the line, as they say.

I’m gonna die.

Dont know why I’m writing this down. Nobody will find it, even if there is anybody left. But I want to, because that’s what I did my whole life - write.

In the unlikely event someone does come, and sees a forty-something dude wearing a wedding dress and wonders why, the answer is simple. This is who I was, the secret I will take with me to my grave.

I’m a girl on the inside.

But not on the outside, so I never tried to show anybody the real me.

They’d never understand.

Crap, I’m crying, and I better be careful if I want this to be legible.  I was always like this, crying at the drop of a hat, people thought I was such a wuss.

When the truth was I was a girl.

Too bad it took the end of the world for me to actually want to live as one.

Now I cant even die as one.

Its all over.

I found the dress a couple of days ago in my last scavenging raid, and was amazed that the thing would fit me.

I guess starvation does wonders for the waistline.

Oh god, I saw my reflection in the broken remains of a mirror - I actually look good.

Not supermodel material, but nice. Certainly passable. If I had seen a girl looking like me going about her business back when  there were still people, I would have never twigged to her being a boy.

Well, isnt that ironic.

All that time worrying about getting beat up, and I would have probably passed.

Oh well, I guess its too late to beat myself up about it now.

Its getting hard to write, if I’m going to say anything important I better say it now.

I guess the one thing I would say is “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry I lied to everybody I met. I’m sorry I never let anybody meet the real me. I could have maybe done something with my life, maybe made someone else’s life a little better, even.  So if someone like me finds me, I would say to them do it. Dont let fear stop you, just do it.

Before its too late.”

Oh god, this is it, I can feel it.

Maybe I’ll wake up in heaven, and maybe there I’ll get to be a girl, but I doubt it.

God, I’m sorry.

Can I have just one more chan....

 

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End of the world.

Hi Dot! Fancy meeting you here. I was jus' tootling by while BCTS is being mended, fixed, up-graded, reviewed,improved etc, etc,etc. So what killed her girl? End of the earth or the aliens.

 

Heaven's a place I don' wanna go, too many dammed do-gooders, religious nuts and bigots up there. They say hell is a dark, noisy, hot place, deep down under and full of devils and bad people. (Sounds jus' like a lot of the clubs I get down into so no changes there then.) Growin' old disgracefully.

 

See-yah when BCTS is back up.

 

Love and huggles.

 

Bev

 

XZXX