"What was I doing?" I looked at myself in the bedroom mirror. "What have I done?" It was as if I had woke up from a dream where I had no control over what had occurred in the dream and then realized it was not a dream at all. I am a man or at least I was at one point. I sat down on the bed and began to go back through my life to try to find something to hold on to before I went out of my mind.
I don't remember when I first became attracted to girls clothes but around 8 years of age I remember sneaking into my mothers room while she was gone and finding anything I could try on. I would be very careful to put everything back exactly as I found it wright down to to the creases. I had a huge overwhelming fear of being caught. However, a few times I was caught. My cousin Kathy was baby sitting me a lot during the summer and she caught me wearing something. She didn't make a big deal out of it, thinking I was just playing, but told me I was not to be messing around in mother's room. I stayed away that summer
out of fear.
Then at age 13, I meet a girl in the apartments we moved to. My Mother and I were alone now due her divorcing my Father. Her name was Tracy and she was a lot of fun. We became close friends. One day she had invited a couple of other girls over and things took a unexpected twist. They like most girls started playing with make-up, clothes, and wigs. I looked on secretly wanting to join in but had every intention of protecting my manhood. Then Tracy pulled a fast one. She told the other girls that they should all practice on me. I objected but not enough to stop them knowing full well that was exactly what I wanted. I was soon wearing a wig, make-up, and a dress. I was thrilled inside. They laughed and I had fun. I was really thin and small framed so I am sure I looked like a girl when they were finished. When the other two girls left I was sad because It was time for me to return to my own clothes.
We were such close friends that I let down my guard and I asked Tracy as casually as I could "could I borrow the wig and one outfit to show my mom? as a joke?" knowing inside that there was no way I was going to ever show my mom and it was no joke. She said "sure". I used a bag so no one knew what I was carrying and quickly went home before my mother got home from work. I promptly hid the clothes and for a few days I was able to dress up anytime I was alone. Then I made a idiot mistake and changed my hiding place to the clothes hamper in my room. It was my job to empty it each week, so I felt safe. Next thing I knew My mother had found the wig and the outfit. By that time it was the weekend and she had invited Jack over. They were dating. She has always been a drama queen and when I heard her call me into the living room I knew I was in trouble.
To my horror, she was holding the wig and outfit. Jack was sitting on the sofa. I had to think fast but I was brain dead. I started by telling her the truth "those belong to Tracy my girlfriend" "She let me borrow them" not realizing the implication. Mother immediately threw a fit, "you've been wearing these?" I replied "only in fun" She got more upset and sent me to my room. The shame and fear welled up inside me to the point that I could barely stand it. Then She called me back and said "I don't know what I have done to deserve this?" she was in tears "If you are really a queer I will have to take you to a doctor for counseling."
That was the breaking point, I broke down and cried. I panicked and resorted to a lie. I told her what she wanted to hear to escape. "No, I said, I lied to you, I'm sorry, Tracy left those here by mistake." She calmed down and began lecturing me about letting anyone in the apartment while she was gone. Then instead of letting me return the wig and outfit she told me she was going to return them herself and have a talk with Tracy's Mom. "Oh no!!, please don't mom." She said "you get to your room, your grounded." I prayed that I didn't get Tracy in trouble and I would not be found out. I thought to myself "would Tracy ever speak to me again?" I was not allowed to play with her after that and soon her and her mother moved away.
If only I had the courage to stand up to my Mother and held to the truth. The lie was the most damage of all, I knew I could hide and If I was caught I would just lie and make excuses. If I wasn't believed it didn't matter because no one wanted to call me on it. Nobody wanted to believe I was weird. The lie was only hurting myself. I split myself into. Inside I was feminine and outside I was masculine. I was ashamed of who I really was. My Mother would have got over it but I was too much of a coward to face the truth.
As I got a little taller and I was thrilled that some of my Mom's clothes were close to fitting me. Jack and her got married just before I started high school. There were no more episodes after the big blow up. My desire was still strong and once I bravely rode my bike up to a woman's store. I made up a lie about buying a special gift for my sister and purchased a pair of expensive pink satin panties trimmed in lace. The woman clerk must have known I lied when I told her I didn't know what size. I said my sister was the same size as me instead of giving her a size. She picked the size for me. She gift wrapped it anyway. She knew. I was just to ashamed to be the girl that needed panties.
I raced home on my bike, anticipating the thrill of wearing my own panties. When I tried my new panties on I was thrilled all over. I lay down in them. It didn't take long before I climaxed. I didn't have fantasies about girls even though I definitely was attracted to them but I didn't have fantasies about men either and was not attracted to them. My fantasies were about being feminine. Wearing panties was erotic for me, I stuck my manhood between my legs and held my legs together to make the panties look flat in front while I looked in the mirror. I wore them a lot even to school. Finally I graduated from school and went off to college for one year. I had a dorm room shared with another guy. So, there was no way to cross dress. I continued to masturbate and fantasize about feminizing myself.
I meet a another guy named Tony and we became buddies. Later after spending many weekends and evenings hanging together. I realized Tony was Gay. He was masculine and never made any advances towards me. I did not have a clue. When we first meet I noticed the women at college really thought he was attractive and my hope was that soon we might be double dating but of course that was not going to happen, he just wanted to hang with me. He thought I was straight. I never told him my secret. We were great friends, he really knew how to party. So much so that I soon had a grade point avg that was impossible to bring up. I flunked. I returned home a complete failure. I've never lived it down since, my Mother being the drama queen that she is.
Later, at 20 years of age I finally meet a woman. We dated, had intercourse for the first time, and she eventually moved in with me. A couple of years later I insisted we get married. From time to time I would use her clothes to give myself a extra thrill which was always more exciting than normal intercourse. Of course, I knew by then I was a transvestite, no denying it now. Being married however seemed to lesson the need a great deal. Eventually after 5 years of marriage she had an affair with a work mate and divorced me. She never knew about my hidden secret or if she did she never said a word.
My next marriage was even worse although I loved her she was an alcoholic and even after being told she would die within a couple of years she would not stop drinking. She wasn't home much and took most of her clothes with her. She ran around and stayed anywhere she could get alcohol. I refused to Divorce her no matter what my family and friends said. I got more desperate in my loneliness and slowly collected everything I needed to cross dress. I even went shopping at a dress store. Again I lied to the woman clerk and told her it was for my wife, same size as me of course. I lied to myself, She showed me a section of dresses that she said would fit. Like a woman I looked through them and several minutes later picked a couple of cute dresses. When I got home and tried them on I got a special thrill. They were a perfect fit, The tops of each dress were small perfect for a woman with no or small breasts. The Clerk knew they were for me. It was if I could get help from any woman as long as I was willing to make up some lie. I realized now the women were protecting my pride and going along with my lie. She had helped me feminize myself!!
I had special ordered a wig. I bought a drawer full of very feminine panties. I had a bra, breast forms, a slip and hose. I bought the old fashioned wire curlers and a set of hot curlers so I could roll my hair wet or dry. I let it grow longer than I had ever had my hair before but still it was no where close to being passable. I could get close by using the curlers but only on top and the sides. The back was too short. While at the hair stylist one day a saw a guy come in with wavy hair. I jumped on the opportunity to ask if she could make my hair wavy like his. Of course Becky said "no problem, let me set you an appointment." I said "can't we just do it now?" "Oh no", she said "it takes a couple of hours." She instructed me to go home and condition my hair then until the appointment just wash it without using any chemicals.
I was scared the day of my appointment and I was glad to see there was very few customers. Becky was there but surprised me when she said John is the one who would give me the permanent. "A permanent?" I gasped, "I just want a wave", She smiled "Well silly, that is how it's done" "It won't be a full perm, It will be wavy just like you wanted" "But, we still have to use permanent and set your hair". I looked like a dear in the headlights. I couldn't back out and besides deep inside I had always wanted my hair curled. I watched when I could but still It was not a big turn on because a guy was doing my hair and he also turned me away from the mirror. However, I did get to set under the dryer like a woman. Then came the next shocker. Becky told me when I payed her that I was not allowed to wash my hair and restyle it for 3 days. "your hair will look curly until you wash it, in fact you should reach up and scrunch your curls with your hands when you get the chance." "Oh, thanks." I said still in shock.
At home I couldn't wait to dress up with my new permanent wave. I knew from practice how to put make-up on. I would have to stop and relieve myself by masturbating several times before I would finally be fully dressed and feminized. I tried to keep dressed up and just lounge around but I was uncomfortable and uneasy. Once I had climaxed a few times It seemed pointless to stay dressed up. My wife finally died about the same time they said she would if she didn't stop drinking. I gave all her clothes to her daughter from a earlier marriage. I already had my own clothes anyway. I was heartbroken and lonely but due to her being gone a lot I was not hurting as much as I would have been.
I also had special ordered a white see-through baby doll with matching panties. It had a inch of ruffled lace on the hem and lace shoulder straps. Small pink bows were all over it and there was a wrap to match it. I loved it. If I bent over my panties trimmed in lace and pink bows would show. Sometimes I would use my wig and sometimes I would set my hair. I always wore my baby doll while I put make up on and rolled my hair. I wanted badly to go further with feminizing myself but I had no encouragement and I was to much of a coward. I was tormented. I needed help. Soon I decided counseling would turn me back from my obsession, I was wrong. I asked for a female counselor. She immediately let me know she was a lesbian and that she understood totally what I was going through. This is where the Dream I spoke of started. I told her everything.
At first she just sat and listened. After several visits she explained to me that there was no cure. She went on to say "You are not just a transvestite, Eric. From listening and studying your case I know now that you are what is called a transsexual." "You won't be satisfied until you are a complete woman." I was shocked but it did explain why I wanted to go further and further with looking feminine. "Oh God, are you sure?" "Yes I am" she replied. "But, just to be safe we will take it slow and you can stop anytime you want." "I want you to feminize yourself beyond what you have been." "You have got to overcome your fears and shame so you can make the right choice." "You will have to let me decide what to do next until then." "You will need someone to help you." "I know you don't know anyone yourself because you have been hiding your true gender, so I am going to give your number to a woman who can help you." "You're job is to let go and put her in charge" "Well Ok, I said. I can stop anytime I want?" "Not at first" she said. "You have to give it a little time then we'll talk some more." "I am prescribing some medications for you to help you feminize yourself." "In fact, before you leave today I will give you a couple of shots to get you started." "Come back in a month for your next visit." "If you don't have anymore questions? our time is up today." "The nurse will administer the shots in the next room and here is your prescription to fill at the store." "Thanks Doctor Jackson."
As I left after receiving two shots in the rear, I looked at the prescription and realized the two medications were Premarin and Progesterone. Female hormones!! I felt a warm sensation in my stomach when I realized I had just been feminized. I was scared but thrilled again. When I got home I put on my baby doll and panties and relieved myself. Shortly after I got a phone call. A woman said "is this Eric?" I said "yes" she replied "I am Susan, Dr Jackson asked me to call you." "Oh yes,nice to meet you." she continued "I would like to come by this evening, so we can talk." I said "Great, I'm looking forward to seeing you." She then asked me "what are you wearing wright now? and don't lie to me." I timidly replied "a baby doll gown and panties." She said "Good, don't change that will be perfect." "I want us to be girlfriends and I want you to get used to being feminine when were together." She said "I am bi-sexual so don't be embarrassed."
Susan arrived a few minutes later. She was very cute and we were the same height and weight. 5'6'' 140lbs aprox. She had shoulder length hair. She was wearing a blouse and skirt. She immediately gave me a hug. She started "Let me look at you" "Oh, yes" she said you will make a beautiful girl." "Thanks." "I am going to call you Erica, if you don't mind, it's much more feminine." "ok, yea" "Erica, I used to work at a salon so lucky for you I can help you feminize yourself wright here at home." "Oh, thanks Susan." "Erica, Dr Jackson has told me everything and I mean everything so I know that your girlie and feminine and I also know about your fears." "What I want you to do is always tell me what you really want." "After all Erica,it will just be me and you until your ready to leave home and face who really are." "I want you to be as sissy and feminine as you would be if you had been raised up a girl in dresses." "Let me see your feminine side, let your fantasies come true." "That's our goal." "OK." "Oh, Susan I'm in love with you already." She then told me that it would best if she was my roommate so she could help me 24/7. That meant I had to dress as a woman anytime I wasn't leaving to go somewhere.
The next morning she reminded me to take my hormones. I was off on vacation for two weeks so things got going pretty fast. She left and returned with more of her clothes and a lot of beauty items. "Erica, you will feel more feminine if you shave your legs and underarms, here is some hair remover cream and some pink razors I got for you." I went into the bathroom and found the tub full of bubble bath waiting. I slipped in and it was heavenly. I knew exactly what to do. I had seen both my wives shave many times and always wanted to try it. I raised one leg up and put on the cream, slowly I ran the pink razor from my ankle to my upper thigh repeating then switched legs...uooo, I felt feminine. I raised each arm and shaved my pits. "Erica, for now on keep yours legs and underarms shaved and use the shampoo and conditioner that I'm using." "I brought you a couple of more baby dolls with panties so you will have more nighties to wear."
I dried and tried on one my new nighties. I had a rock hard on as usual and laid down just long enough to relieve myself. It was erotic. After a moment Susan came in and asked me about my nightie. I remembered what she said about letting go. "I love it, It so cute, I feel high in it." "Susan said "Oh, You are a sissy girl aren't you." I replied "yes, I have never had anyone I could admit it to." "Well, that has changed now, cutie. Since were both girlfriends do you want me to help with your hair?" "Yes, but it's too short really" I replied." Susan smiled "I thought you might say that" "I have just the thing, you are going to love this. This will take most of the day. First I need to put more curl in your hair. Then I will give you a more feminine blond color." "Come in here to the sink and I will wash your hair." "Now if you're not sure this is what you want just say so and we will slow down". My eyes were lite up like Christmas lights on a tree.
She brought out a box of permanent curling rods with built in clips. I could feel an erection coming on. She combed through my hair and sectioned it off. I was celebrating inside. I almost wanted to stand and jump up an down like a excited school girl and giggle. This time I was able to watch as each rod was rolled down and clipped. She got the top and back done and noticed I had a hard on. She said "You sissy, you are really enjoying this." I replied, "yes, this is wonderful, I'm sorry but I have to relieve myself, I can't resist it." "Erica, don't move let me help." A moment later I was in heaven. As I set back in my chair she pulled down my panties. I thought I would pass out when she started sucking me off. I had just about climaxed when she took my penis out of her mouth. She held out the palm of one hand and then pumped with the other. I climaxed and shot cum into her cupped palm. After she emptied me she cupped her hands and told me to help her lick it up. I was so turned on I immediately started licking and swallowing while she did the same. We both ended up with cum on our checks. She washed her hands and returned with a wet towel for me. I reached down and pulled my panties back up. She continued rolling my hair. I was in love.
I smelled the ammonia as the permanent cream was put on. At the right time she rinsed and put in the deactivater. Then after awhile she rinsed again. Next she used the hair color with conditioner. Returning to the chair she set my hair in curlers. She could see the excitement in my eyes. While waiting for my hair to dry she asked me If wanted my bangs cut. Then told me my eyebrows were really bad and we had to do something with them. I told her yes please what ever she thought I needed to go ahead, I trusted her opinion. The next thing I knew she had cut bangs and waxed my eyebrows, arching them both. Still in curlers I could see in the mirror my face was lot more feminine. After my hair dried she took out my curlers. This time I had a full permanent. "What do you think" she said. I let go. "Oh, I can't believe it, it's so sissy, I love the curls, thank you." Susan replied, "my pleasure, you deserve it." I reached up and patted my curls. "Next I am going to put in hair extensions that are the same color and will reach just below your shoulders" I swallowed, "you mean I will have long hair like yours?" Susan replied, "yes cutie, and it will be curly too since we just curled your hair."
About three hours later, I had long spiral curls that softly lay on my shoulders. I couldn't believe it. It was a dream come true. I shook my hair expecting the extensions to fall out. My hair was also a feminine blond color, soft and pretty. I let go again, "It's darling" "I could almost pass for a woman now!!" Susan smiled and laughed, "well not just yet but you will." "Lets see what you look like with your make-up on, Erica." "Oh, my, another hard on girl." She reached down with her soft hand and rubbed me gently. She saw me weaken and start to climax. She told me to cup my hands and jacked me off. The cum shot into my cupped hands. We both licked it up out of my hands and occasionally licked tongs.Then this time we licked our checks with each others tongs. Susan watched me while I showed off how easy it was for me to put make-up on. She told me what colors to use and told me when I was over doing it. Susan told me that everyday for now on I was to put my face on every morning and take it off before bed. She said we both would do our own. She gave me some special cream she said that would help moisturize my face.
After we finished moisturizing, I watched while she pined her hair up for bed. Then in turn I did mine. She changed into her own baby doll and panties. There was only one bedroom so we both slept together. I was shocked when I still got yet another hard on. She said since we were girlfriends she wanted me to lick her clit like a woman. First, I got on my knees between her legs and she laid back while I licked her clit then we 69'ed and both climaxed. It was erotic. We slept together every night in our baby dolls and lace panties. For the next week I did my face every morning and fully dressed in different outfits. One day it was a cute dress, then a blouse and skirt, then once we both wore one piece bathing suits. In the morning I took my pills and once dressed she had me put on high heels to teach me how to walk like a woman. She made sure I sat like a woman and held my elbows in. I folded my hands and crossed my legs. She gave me a manicure and pedicure just before she taught me how to paint my nails.
The second week, started with another surprise. Susan said after breakfast "Darling we need to pierce your ears and then I think you are ready to pass as a woman, now." "You have learned so fast, you're a natural. After I pierce your ears, we are going shopping." The fear griped me just like it had anytime I thought about leaving home dressed up. "Oh Susan, are you sure, what if someone sees me?" Susan looked at me. "Darling it is all in your head you don't look like a man, you look like a woman. If someone sees you they will know you are exactly what you are, a woman." "Get over it, men don't wear dresses and curl their hair." "They don't wear make-up or carry purses." "and they sure don't wear high heels, silly girl." I went into the bedroom and looked in mirror after she pierced my ears. I was wearing a darling pair of gold ear rings. Which brings us to the end of the dream that I had awoken from. But the Dream was real, I couldn't deny what she said. I wasn't a man, I was a woman. I finally let go. I was no longer afraid. I picked up my purse and was ready. Susan and I went shopping and had a great time. The rest of week I relaxed, the feeling of uneasiness was gone, I was comfortable in my female clothes. I could sit with Susan and just watch TV and it felt perfectly natural now.
When vacation ended I let the fear grip me again. I whined to Susan "What am I going to do now? What will everyone think at work? I will probably be laughed at and fired." Susan replied "you are such a sissy, tell them the truth, be proud you're a woman" "you are not a little girl any more, afraid of your mother, are you?" So what if they do say something hateful or try to hurt you. They can't spank you. They can't make you ashamed if you're not. Swallow all all that stupid male pride of yours, you are not a man anyway." "You don't need any male pride." "Use those balls of yours while you still have them." Susan was wright again, I have to let go and face it. Luckily I worked as a Store clerk at a large Department Store. It wasn't the first time someone switched genders at the store. The Manager to my surprise was not shocked at all and saw no reason why I couldn't continue with my job. She said "In fact I think customers prefer female clerks anyway." "You are a pretty woman." I was thrilled all over, I felt acceptance. I was a woman.
My next visit to Dr Jackson, I was of course fully dressed. She almost didn't recognize me. She was amazed at how quickly I had transitioned. My confidence and graceful moves were feminine. She asked me "Erica, how do you feel now, are you happy with your new life?" I replied "Oh yes, its wonderful." "Susan has helped me so much." Dr Jackson said "Soon, your skin will soften. Your breasts will bulb and grow. Your buttock and hips will broaden." "Is that what you want?" I replied, "Oh yes, my skin is already getting soft and I can't wait for my breasts to grow. I just want to thank you. You have made me a happy woman." Dr Jackson smiled and reminded me to get my shots on the way out. I bent over pulled down my panties, held up my skirt and was thrilled as I felt the injections.
After a few months of hormones I was thrilled to wake up with small breasts one morning. Soon though I could no longer get it up any more, by then I didn't care, I was looking forward to completely feminizing myself and having it done. I didn't want to wait even a year. After six months I traveled overseas and had a vaginoplasty done. I woke up a new woman completely feminized. Susan was waiting for my return and was very happy. I was shocked and thrilled yet again when the doctor gave me a complete set of dildos. She explained that for at least 6 more months I needed to use these three times a day to allow my new vagina to dilate. That was no problem, Susan strapped on a dildo and penetrated me morning, evening, and at bedtime. It is erotic. I don't cross dress anymore. I guess there is a cure after all. We still sleep in our baby dolls and panties but then again that is what girls are suppose to sleep in. I love getting my hair curled and still hurry home so I can use my dildo. The Real Truth is that I am a Woman. Don't be afraid, Just let go.